'Why are so many guys size queens?'
Dr. Kort writes for Attitude Magazine in the UK.
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I always grew up being
quite confident about
my body, but as soon as
I started being sexually
active on the gay scene it
became apparent that my
penis didn't measure up
to the size of most other
guys. Not so long ago
I went on a couple of
great dates with a guy
I was really into, but when
it got to the bedroom,
the comments he made
about my size left me
feeling embarrassed and
ashamed. I feel like all
gay men are obsessed
with size, and this guy
wasn't the first to point
ou t how I didn't measure
up. I now feel like I can't
trust anyone to love me
for me, and that I'll always
be afraid and ashamed
of my body, which isn't
what I want. How can I be
expected to feel confident
and attractive when guys
can be so shallow?
RIC, KIRKHAM, LANCASHIRE
I have had countless men in my therapy office with this same
concern, so I am not going to trivialise the way you feel. There is a
reality to the idea that it's a dick-size-obsessed world for both gays
and straights, but this is especially true in the gay male community.
And when a man really is smaller endowed, he can feel very upset
and shamed about it.
I have had some gay clients tell me that in looking on the internet
for hook-ups they will find men who are seven inches, and then
search all night to find one who is eight inches.
My theory is that a large penis is being confused with strong
masculinity, and that's being confused with raw, erotic power. In
other words, the bigger the penis, the better the man, the better the
sex. Of course, this is absurd. I've had clients tell me they've been
with men with bigger penises but who didn't know how to please
their lovers with them.
The truth is that most men are concerned with their penis size
whether they 'measure up' or not. Neither gay
nor straight men talk about these concerns
openly, so they generally don't know how to
gauge what is normal and what is not.
UK researchers Kevan Wylie and Ian
Eardley have between them carried out
60 years of penis-related research and
found that small-penis syndrome affects an
un usually high number of men - even if their
size is average. The researchers found that
men were often more confident if they had a
large penis, but the women they interviewed
said that good looks and personality were what made men attractive
to them rather than penis sizes. However, this research doesn't
include gay men, who are often judgmental about smaller penises.
The first place men start comparing themselves to other men is
in the changing room. Generally, the size of a flaccid penis doesn't
indicate its size when erect. As the saying goes, 'Some men are
growers and some men are showers'. Men are also misled by
pornographic images. Porn penises are large in order to impress and
exci te the viewers. They are by no means a sample of the norm.
Men are hung in different sizes, widths, directions, shapes. Each
of us is different. hard or soft. Still, at a nude beach or bathhouse
or changing room, men with bigger and longer flaccid endowment
are more fortunate. They have less to worry about in terms of being
judged and found wanting, or hearing snide remarks made about
them. Even if their four-inch softie doesn't grow when erect. the other
guys won't know that. Another guy, who might boast only one to two
inches soft and grow to eight inches hard, will still feel self-conscious,
thinking that when at ease, everyone sees him as too small, even
though at attention, he knows he's not.
When I hear any gay man make a small-penis comment particularly in my gay men's groups or workshops - I cringe thinking
of those insecure men in the group who might already feel bad about
The standard for penis size was set by the Kinsey Institute in the
60's. Alfred Kinsey studied American college-age men and found that
80 per cent of fully erect penises measured between five and seven
inches (long). Despite what you might surmise from gay personal ads,
less than one per cent of those erections Kinsey witnessed in the flesh
exceeded eight inches.
What not to do
Don't get penis-enlargement surgery. I had a client who did this, only
to suffer complications that made his penis even smaller than it was
originally. The surgery promises to add inches. However, all it does is
loosen skin tissue, allowing the penis to expand a bit more. Not much
legitimate scientific or clinical research has been done to confirm the
effectiveness or test the safety of this kind of
surgery. Research shows that men who have
this surgery are not satisfied with the results.
Don't buy penis-enlargement pills or
gimmicks. They don't work. They just
improve circulation and help create a firmer
erection. When you pursue these 'fixes', you
only play into your anxiety and confirm your
belief that your dick is too small. It may be
smaller than average but that doesn't mean
that it's too small. It is your belief you need to
change, not your size.
What to do
Get online and join groups for men who are into men with smaller
penises. There is even a website spotlighting hot men with smaller
dicks. Stop using sites that are mainly for men looking for sexual
hook-ups. Instead, go where men are looking for partners. These men
are more likely to be into the whole person and not just body parts.
Seek older and more emotionally mature men. They do not
overvalue penis size.
My final advice to you is to disregard what other men think about
your penis size and anything else abou t you. What other people think
shouldn't control your life. Believe that what you have inside - your
integrity, responsibility, talents, eloquence and accountability - will
count more with men who have the intelligence and generosity to
be good partners. You should seek, and you will find, a man who
measures you by the size of your heart rather than the length of
I can promise you this: the better you feel about your own size and
the less judgment you make about yourself, the less affected you will
be by what others think about your size.
Email us with your relationship or sexual problem to firstname.lastname@example.org