Mixed Orientation Marriages
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to read my article on Mixed Orientation Marriages.
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One of my specialties is mixed orientation marriages which I call the "New Mixed Marriage"
where one spouse is gay or bisexual and the other is
heterosexual. I work with either the couple together or
individually depending on the need of each situation.
Common Questions
Here are some questions
that are explored most often in therapy for the mixed
orientation couples with which I have worked since 1985:
- Can we stay together?
- Should we stay together?
- Why do gay men
heterosexually marry in the first place?
- Do most gay men know they are gay
when they heterosexually marry?
- Is it healthy or not?
- When and how do they tell their
wives, “I’m gay”?
- How do they determine whether to
stay married or leave?
- And who are the women that marry
gay men?
- What is the straight spouse’s part
in heterosexually marrying in terms of why they do so and why
they stay even after knowing their
spouse is gay.
My position on mixed orientation marriages
For every one of these
situations, the path is extremely personal and varied. You
must do what’s right for you individually, and not what any
therapist, friend, relative, or anyone else says you should.
But for your mental and physical health and the welfare of
your wife and any children involved, go forward with
integrity, honesty, and informed consent on everyone’s part.
Whether or not they stay together, I think that these gay
men and their spouses are very brave individuals exploring
how to proceed with their mixed marriage.
Our work together will help you
decide individually and together what is right for you.
It is not about what is right for your from other's points
of views but instead from your own--individually and
relationally.
Recommended Reading
"The New Mixed Marriage" by Joe
Kort
10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do
To Find Real Love by Joe Kort with chapter on mixed
orientation marriages entitled, "The New Mixed Marriage:
When Three's a Crowd".
The Other Side of the Closet by
Amity Buxton Pierce
When Husbands Come Out Of the
Closet by Jean Schaar Gochros, Ph.D.
My Husband is Gay by Carol Grever
Bisexual and Gay Husbands by
Fritz Klein
Visit Joe's recommended reading page
for more suggestions.
Resources
Here are some online safe spaces for those in mixed
orientation marriages.
Husbands Out to Their Wives
Straight Spouse Network
MOM (Mixed Orientation Marriage) Couples Joined Together
STR8S Mailing
List—an Internet mailing list for straight spouses of
bisexual, gay, or lesbian partners
MMTL: Men Married to Lesbians. Membership is
restricted to men who are married to a lesbian or bisexual woman.
Wives of Gay/Bisexual Husbands
Straight Monogamous Married Spouses (SMMS)
MOM Couples Group
MMOMW · Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work
Spouses Out To Their Spouse (SOTTS)
ozmarriedgays · Australasian Married Gays
Alternate
Path:
Support group for wives of Bi/Gay
men, where both the husband and wife want to remain married.
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