Kort's Korner Newsletter
In This Issue: June 2008
  1. About Joe Kort's Psychotherapy and Coaching Practice
  2. Miss the teleclass on Reclaiming the Man in the Mirror Workshop? Listen to the audio recorded May 20, 2008
  3. Reclaiming the Man in the Mirror Workshop June 21-22, 2008 
  4. Is Dr. Phil Becoming Dr. Laura???
  5. Book Warming Party Friday, June 13, 2008
  6. Joe's Book Updates
1 Article Title



JOE'S BLOGS

Outside the Kort Room

Straight Guise

These blogs are about current events, books, workshops, articles, movies and anything related to my specialties within my private practice.

Individual, Group and Couple's Psychotherapy

Telephone Coaching and Consultation

Clinical Consulting and Supervision Services for Psychotherapists 

Frequently Asked Questions about hiring Joe Kort for his services


Joe Kort's areas of specialties are:

  • Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity
  • Sexual Anorexia 
  • Sexual Abuse
  • Straight men who have sex with men
  • Chemical Dependency
  • Imago Relationship Therapy
  • Monogamy/Non-monogamy Issues 
  • Breakup Recovery
  • Coming Out Issues
  • Gay Affirmative Therapy
  • Depression and Anxiety Disorders

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To schedule a telephone coaching or in-person psychotherapy session with Joe click either:

Individual, Group and Couple's Psychotherapy

Telephone Coaching and Consultation

To schedule a supervision or clinical consultation

Clinical Consulting and Supervision Services for Psychotherapists

2. Listen to the audio of the Teleclass recorded May 20, 2008


Audio of May 20, 2008 Teleclass for gay and bisexual men click here

Introduction to Reclaiming The Man in the Mirror

Exploring Sex, Love and Intimacy

Based on, “10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love”

I offered a free teleclass on Tuesday, May 20, 2008 at 8-9PM EST (Eastern Standard Time).

The topic was on sex, love and intimacy which is the theme of the upcoming workshop “Reclaiming The Man in the Mirror” for gay and bisexual men on June 21-22, 2008.

This audio is an introduction for those interested in and/or considering attending Reclaiming the Man in the Mirror an opportunity to hear how the workshop will focus on integrating sex, love, and intimacy in a relationship.


ABOUT THE TELECLASS:

This recorded audio teleclass offers an overview of what to expect during the Reclaiming The Man in the Mirror June 21-22, 2008.

The teleclass is for gay and bisexual men. The focus was on sex, love, and intimacy among gay and bisexual men.

Joe Kort writes:

"Most people, gay and straight alike, do not know if their sexual fantasies and/or sexual acts are healthy versus unhealthy. The secret logic of sexual fantasies and desires can help unlock information stored away in a gay man's history that can help him enjoy his sexuality even more. There is an erotic intelligence that can teach a person how to know and understand himself in a deeper way."

3. Reclaiming the Man in the Mirror: For Gay/Bisexual Men JUNE 21-22, 2008





June 21-22, 2008

Reclaiming the Man in the Mirror Workshop for Gay/Bisexual Men





Come to UNCOVER and DISCOVER your Sexual Shadow!



Reclaiming the Man in the Mirror explores aspects of sexual fantasies,
desires and acts as well as the mystery of love and attraction.


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ABOUT THE WORKSHOP:

We live in a sexually illiterate society. There is little to no permission to examine openly our sexuality in terms of orientation, behavior and fantasies. Most people, gay and straight alike, do not know if their sexual fantasies and/or sexual acts are healthy versus unhealthy. While gay men are more inclined to act out their sexual desires and fantasies more openly than their heterosexual counterparts, there still lies confusion as to what is positive and self-affirming and what is not.

There is also confusion about what is sex, what is love and what is intimacy. This workshop will explore the definitions of each of these and how to integrate them all together for gay men. Much of our culture as gay men, as well as for our heterosexual counterparts, are confused about how to make this integration. There is also confusion about how to have healthy sex, love and intimacy without having to have all of them combined.

This workshop will help clarify all of this. We will explore the following questions:

? How do you define sex?
? What is healthy versus unhealthy sex?
? Do you understand the secret logic of your sexual fantasies?
? What is your sexual shadow?
? Are you sexually addicted, compulsive or just have a large sexual  appetite?
? Do you carry sexual shame?
? How do you feel about your body?
? Do you want to improve your sex life?
? Are you getting the love you want in your relationship?
? Are you keeping the love you find when you think you found Mr. Right?
? What is your definition of love?
? What is your definition of intimacy?
? What are the stages of love?

These are just some of the questions we will be examining at the upcoming workshop. The workshop will include guided imagery, experiential exercises, communication exercises and lectures.

We will explore sexual behavior and fantasies with understanding, compassion, and without judgment.

For more information go to http://www.joekort.com/dgaymen.htm
4. Is Dr. Phil Becoming Dr. Laura

Recently I discovered where television pschotherapist Dr. Phil stands on pornograpy. He believes that looking at porn is "never okay" and that it is "always cheating" on a partner. WOW! Those are strong and harsh beliefs to make a blanket statement about all pornography and those who view it.

It reminds me of syndicated talk show host Dr. Laura stands on so many topics around sexuality. She has a black and white thinking about things being either right or wrong. Oh if it were so easy and simple. But it is not!

We therapists teach our clients--and especially our couples--never to say the words "always" and "never" because they are seldom true.

While I agree that pornography can become an addiction and not be healthy for some people, it is for many others. Here is what Dr. Phil writes on his website:
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Internet pornography is a growing trend that has many people worried about their relationships. Is it cheating? And is it a "normal guy thing"? Here's what Dr. Phil believes:

It is not OK behavior. It is a perverse and ridiculous intrusion into your relationship. It is an insult, it is disloyal and it is cheating.

Consider how it makes your partner feel. If it makes your partner feel ugly, hurt, deceived, lied to or inadequate, then it needs to stop. If it is eroding your relationship, it's gone too far.

Pornography isn't real, it's a fantasy. It's makeup, beauty lenses, hair extensions, camera angles, lighting and silicone! It's also somebody's daughter who has taken a really, really wrong turn. She's demeaning herself, debasing herself, humiliating herself and she's being exploited by people who are funded by you. It is a sick, demented, twisted world. It's not healthy, it's not natural and it's not normal.

Viewing Internet pornography or engaging in cybersex is a short step to taking cheating to the next level.

You need to tell your partner that viewing pornography is absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable in your relationship. Draw a line: Your partner needs to choose between the pornography or the relationship.

Ask yourself or your partner:

Would you do it with your partner standing right there?

Are you turning outside of your relationship to meet a need that should be met within the relationship? You can't change what you don't acknowledge, so find out if you or your partner have a problem.

Do you justify the behavior by saying, "It's harmless," "Everyone does it," or "It's just the Internet"?

Does it intrude on your relationship?

Which is more important: pornography or your relationship?

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I completely disagree with Dr. Phil's position. Here are my responses to his questions:

Would you do it with your partner standing right there?

Some people would and, in fact, I have advised some couples (both gay, lesbian and straight) to do so. It can enhance intimacy in couples.

Also there are many instances where individuals don't want their partners to see their porn. It is private and personal. Partners sometimes need to have this outlet. It has nothing to do with their significant others. It is not cheating and does not mean that the person viewing the porn is going to set out to make the scenerio happen.

That said, there are many people who have significant shame about looking at pornography and the content of what they are looking at. I think this might be what Dr. Phil is addressing. Even so, every person needs to have their own separate sexual fantasies and desires that may not involve their significant other.


Are you turning outside of your relationship to meet a need that should be met within the relationship? You can't change what you don't acknowledge, so find out if you or your partner have a problem.

This can be about anything--not just pornography. With any behaviors that are excessive or are interfering with your relationship, you must ask yourself this question. I do think that partners benefit from talking about their sexual interests and not hiding the fact that they might enjoy pornography. It is the hiding and secrecy that is usually the problem, not the pornography in and of itself.

Do you justify the behavior by saying, "It's harmless," "Everyone does it," or "It's just the Internet"?

For many folks, it is harmless and it is just the internet. I have had clients over the years tell me that they enjoy certain fantasies that their partner will not--or cannot meet. For example, one straight male client of mine enjoyed extremely muscular women who entered muscle building contests. His wife, a petite woman, did not visually fit this image. So periodically he enjoyed looking at images of these muscular women online and it offered him an outlet for his interest without his going out of his marriage.

Does it intrude on your relationship?

This is a great question and should be asked to one's self by all. I have many clients for which the use of pornography does intrude on a relationship. But the reasons vary. Some partners are threatened by the use of pornography by a spouse. The question here is "why are they threatened?" It isn't always because their partner is abusing porn. It may very well be their own insecurities being raised by their partners viewing images that they cannot match. This is more of an issue that the non-pornography using partner has than the one viewing the sexual material.

Couples need to communicate openly their feelings about pornography use within their marriage. The worst is to keep it a secret or to pretend it is not a problem if one or both have a problem with it. However to assume that the use of pornography alone is the only issue is narrow focused and as harmful as pretending it is never a problem at all.


Which is more important: pornography or your relationship?

For some, it is both. There is nothing wrong with that. For others it is one or the other which, of course presents a problem.

If you do have a problem with pornography I recommend an excellent new book, "The Porn Trap" By Wendy and Larry Maltz. This can be purchased here.

5. BOOK WARMING CELEBRATION AT MICHIGAN'S LGBT COMMUNITY CENTER FOR "GAY AFFIRMATIVE THERAPY FOR THE STRAIGHT CLINICIAN"


Please join us to celebrate the release of Joe’s NEW book:

gay affirmative therapy for the straight clinician
THE ESSENTIAL GUIDE
Published by WW Norton Books

Click here for a pdf invitation

Date: Friday, June 13th, 2008

Place: Affirmations LGBT Community Center
290 W. Nine Mile Rd., Ferndale, MI 48220

Time: 5:00 pm ~ 9:00 pm

Joe will be reading from his new book at: 6:00 pm and 7:30 pm

R.S.V.P. is appreciated but not required to sponsors:

Eleanor Payson, MSW: (248)548- 0306    
Sally Palaian, Ph.D.: (248)645-5960       
Linda Moody, MSW: (734)662-0761
Nancy Sparrow, MSW: (248)336-920
  6. Joe's Book Updates


10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Improve Their Lives


Alyson Books, 2003


Introduction What Works? And What Doesn't?
Chapter 1     Take Charge of Their Own Lives
Chapter 2     Affirm Themselves by Coming Out
Chapter 3     Resolve Differences With Parents and Relatives
Chapter 4    "Graduate" From Delayed Adolescence
Chapter 5     Avoid-or Overcome-Sexual Addiction
Chapter 6     Learn from Successful Mentors Who've Been There, Done That
Chapter 7     Take Advantage of "Therapy Workouts"
Chapter 8     Achieve-and Maintain-Rewarding Relationships
Chapter 9     Understand the Stages of Loves
Chapter 10   Commit to Their Partner

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Foreign translations of Joe's First Book

"10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Improve Their Lives" was originally published in 2003. In 2004 it was translated into German and in 2005 it was translated into Spanish.

Each of these books can be ordered at Joe's Books

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10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love 


 
Alyson Books, 2006
 
Introduction  Start Your Hero’s Journey and Let Your Initiation Begin!
Chapter 1      Live in Integrity and Be Accountable to Yourself and Your Partner
Chapter 2      Become the Man You Were Meant to Be
Chapter 3      Discover How What You Hate Can Help You Love
Chapter 4      Go from a Gay Boy to a Gay Man with Your Father
Chapter 5      Recognize the Difference Between Mommy Nearest,    
                        Mommy Dearest, and Mommy Queerest
Chapter 6      Learn How to Disarm—Not Strong-arm—Your Partner in Communication
Chapter 7      Know Your Sexual Shadow (click here to read an excerpt from this chapter.)
Chapter 8      Understand the New Mixed Marriage: When Three’s a Crowd
Chapter 9      How to Call It Quits Without Being a Quitter
Chapter 10    Bring Your Own Shadow
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Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician: The Essential Guide




WW Norton Books, 2008

Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician: The Essential Guide

Chapter 1    Psychotherapy for Lesbians and Gays: Setting the Gay Record--Straight!
Chapter 2    What is Gay Affirmative Therapy?
Chapter 3.    Growing Up Lesbian or Gay
Chapter 4.    Covert Cultural Sexual Abuse
Chapter 5.    Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from Growing Up Lesbian or Gay
Chapter 6.    Developmental Insults
Chapter 7.    Coming Out
Chapter 8.    Helping Families of Lesbians and Gays
Chapter 9.    Lesbian and Gay Sexuality
Chapter 10.  Working with Today's Lesbian and Gay Couples
Chapter 11.  The New Mixed Marriage: One Lesbian or Gay Spouse and One Straight
Chapter 12.  Gay Affirmative Therapy Principles in Clinical Practice
Chapter 13.  Establishing a Differential Diagnosis.
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A Gentle Press, 2008


Mending A Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts
ISBN: 0-9774-4006-9

$16.95

BUY THE BOOK

This book contains a chapter by psychotherapist Joe Kort on straight men who have sex with men in heterosexual marriages.

Straight Guise: Is My Partner Gay?
By Joe Kort, LMSW

It offers the female partners and spouses a guide and insight into what to do and how to handle these types of situations.

For more information Click Here

 

Click on  Joe's library  to purchase these books.
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Autographed Books

You can purchase an autographed copy of Joe's books by using a credit card or sending a check, money order by clicking here.

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If you want to book a signing or workshop anywhere in your area please feel free to contact me at joekort@joekort.com or 248-399-7317.

  

 

Would the small child you once were look up to the adult you have become?
Copyright Joe Kort & Associates, 2008.
Contact Joe at joekort@joekort.com
Notice of copyright: This newsletter is copyright in its entirety by Joe Kort & Associates, 2008, all rights reserved, and may not be reprinted in part or whole without the express permission of the author.
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Joe Kort & Associates
25600 Woodward, Suite 218
Royal Oak, MI 48067