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  IN THIS ISSUE OF KORT'S KORNER:

  • News from Joe Kort & Associates
  • DidYou Called Your Mother?
  • Mommy Queerest
  • Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician: The Essential Guide
  • Foriegn Translations of Joe's first book
  • Joe's Book Updates

Psychotherapy Services

Telephone Coaching and Consultation

Clinical Consulting and Supervision Services for Psychotherapists

Frequently Asked Questions

Joe Kort's areas of specialties are:

Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity
Sexual Anorexia
Sexual Abuse
Straight men who have sex with men
Erotic Intelligence
Chemical Dependency
Imago Relationship Therapy
Monogamy/Nonmonogamy Issues
Breakup Recovery
Coming Out Issues
Gay Affirmative Therapy
Depression and Anxiety Disorders

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IN THIS ISSUE OF KORT'S KORNER

This issue of Kort's Korner is entirely dedicated to mom.

Many of my clients suffer on Mother's Day because for them it is not a day they wish to celebrate. They might be in the middle of their therapy work bringing up anger, grief, pain and depression over how they recall being treated and how it has impacted their lives today. Others might be taking a break from her to get some distance from her and understand themselves separately from her. And others may have decided to stop all contact permanently because their mother will not take accountability for her behaviors and continues to blame her child or others for her bad behavior.

Whatever the reasons are Mother's Day can be difficult.

They wish there were jokes like the one on my left which came from the New Yorker. >>>>>>>>>>

The comic says: Bad News--we're all out of our minds. You're going to have to be the lone healthy person in this family

Wouldn't it be nice to be real in a card and not cover up the problems and also be able to make light of them?

_______________________________________________________________

I joke that while I have taken breaks from my own mother by respectfully not speaking with her and stopping all contact for a while to get some psychological space I cannot get away from being reminded of her. I forget my ID or password to my bank accounts or credit cards and when I phone the bank or credit companies I am immediately asked;

What is your mother's maiden name?
When is her birthday?
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CALLED YOUR MOTHER????

Oh my G-d I say to myself all I wanted is to get my password. Shamed and guilt stricken I spend days thinking I am a bad son and should call my mother.

I was even at a psychotherapy training last week and one of the experiential exercises was that we therapists were to get in the order of our MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME!!!! Again, the voice in my head goes, "DID YOU CALL YOUR MOTHER?"

Call it Jewish Guilt, Catholic Guilt or whatever you want, love your mother regardless of who she is is what we learn from early on--even probably from the womb.

While I am mostly joking it is based on some truth.

___________________________________________________________________

Here is an excerpt from Chapter 5 from my latest book, "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love" on issues with mothers
for gay men.

In this society, it is taboo to speak ill of our mothers, so we either keep silent or get judged negatively for doing so. By going against his mother, a man gets punished and called a misogynist. Perhaps, owing to the horrors of sexism, the culture has become too focused in one direction, looking only at what men have done to women. It may be time, however, to examine what women do to men—especially mothers raising the boys who ultimately grow up to hate women. Somewhere our mothers play a part in engendering this negativity.

When someone disparages his mother, why is our wondering whether she is at fault met with disapproval? We allow sons and daughters alike to criticize their fathers, and our discomfort over their negative talk is considerably less than the public outcry when the topic switches to Mommy Dearest.

Society reveres anything associated with “mother”—Mother Earth, Mother Nature, and the celibate, childless Mother Teresa. Especially in the mental health field, when we examine a child’s early infancy, we focus on the mother, talking about the time and attention she devotes to nurturing her baby. During the child’s first year of life, the father is rarely the primary caregiver. I am sure this will change as more fathers, particularly gay men, join in the care and rearing of their children. But until then, talk about child-rearing usually focuses on the mother.

Herein lies the source of the social mantra “Love your mother.” No one wants to believe that a mother could not love her children. No one wants to hear about how a mother can lack maternal instinct. Those who speak out about their mothers abusing them or being indifferent maternally to any extent will often not be believed and find themselves accused of betraying their mothers.

Mother attachment runs so deep that in Necessary Losses, Judith Viorst writes, “A young boy lies in a hospital bed. He is frightened and in pain. Burns cover 40 percent of his small body. Someone has doused him with alcohol and then, unimaginably, has set him on fire. He cries for his mother. His mother has set him on fire.”[1]

Viorst goes on to describe the difficulty of separating from one’s mother: “. . . it doesn’t matter what kind of mother a child has lost or how perilous it may be to dwell in her presence. It doesn’t mater whether she hurts or hugs. Separation from mother is worse than being in her arms when the bombs are exploding. Separation from mother is sometimes worse than being with her when she is the bomb.”

You can love your mother, not want to hurt her, and at the same time tell her how you feel about her even when it is not all good. Often, it’s the father who leaves the children and the mother who sacrifices her life for them, so it makes sense that she’s protected and often given a pass when she behaves badly. Our society even protects mothers who have mistreated or killed their own children; usually, a group joins to create a fund to help these mothers. Rarely is the same done for fathers who mistreat their children. But this makes sense, since mothers are often there for her children and the bond between them is very tight.

For further reading, go to chapter 5 of "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love"

Read an introduction to the book.

Visit Amazon.com to purchase the book.

I joke that if you are what I call “Gay Orthodox,” you can consider it a Gay High Holy Day when a diva comes to town. If Gay Orthodox, you must commit to closing your business or taking the day off. Treat the day as a Sabbath or consider yourself a sinner. Gay neighborhoods will be ghost towns as we flock to stadiums—our places of worship—for any Diana Ross, Cher, Barbra Streisand, Bette Midler, Madonna, Janet Jackson, Mariah Carey or Dolly Parton concert. Today’s younger gay men flock to Britney Spears, Jennifer Lopez, Jessica Simpson, Beyonce, and Christina Aguilera.

I,of course, am Gay Orthodox and must follow the Gay Bible, which is to close shop at sunset on these days to pay respects to these beautiful gay icons! We even saw Jack from Will & Grace briefly die and go to heaven, where he found that Cher was a goddess. “It all makes sense,” Jack said on meeting Goddess Cher. “Elijah and Chastity are the names of your children, it’s true you are!”

One can never forget, of course, dearly departed divas such as the late, great Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, and the original grande dame of divas—Judy Garland. While not every gay boy or man worships divas, a good many do. Why is that? There are many theories.

In The Rise and Fall of Gay Culture, Daniel Harris suggests that “at the very heart of gay diva worship is not the diva herself but the almost universal homosexual experience of ostracism and insecurity.” Harris feels that we gay men live vicariously through divas who snare the handsome heterosexual men and that we like to imagine ourselves in their place. He equates diva worship to watching football and says that it’s actually just as unfeminine as football: “it is a bone-crushing spectator sport in which one watches the triumph of feminine wiles over masculine walls of a voluptuous and presumably helpless damsel in distress single-handedly moving down a lineup of hulking quarterbacks who fall dead at her feet.”

Time magazine even addressed diva worship in a review of Judy Garland’s final concert on August 18, 1967, at New York’s Palace Theatre. The article read, “A disproportionate part of her nightly claque seems to be homosexual. The boys in the tight trousers roll their eyes, tear at their hair and practically levitate from their seats, particularly when Judy sings [‘Over the Rainbow’] . . . Judy was beaten up by life, embattled and ultimately had to become more masculine. She has the power that homosexuals would like to have, and they attempt to attain it by idolizing her.”

On closer examination, we can see there is something decidedly masculine about these divas. They have a hardened, sometimes aggressively feminine side. In their performance mode, they are almost as hyper-feminine as drag queens—Diana Ross’s big exaggerated hair, for example, and Cher’s heavily beaded gowns and overly glittering eye shadow.

Mommy Queerest

Another theory I hold strongly is that these divas are our stand-in mothers. Jewish clients and friends of mine have told me that Barbra Streisand saved their lives! Without her movies and songs, they couldn’t have survived their childhoods. Many of these men had self-absorbed mothers who were unavailable emotionally, so what better surrogate Jewish mother than Streisand? She is already unavailable in many ways, so clients can worship her and fulfill some needs that their mothers cannot. These divas mommies will never let us down—they are whoever we want them to be. They’re our mother shadows.
I am not putting down these divas! I adore and love most of them.

My home and office are filled with dolls that celebrate these divas from Cher to Lucille Ball. While growing up, my divas were Diana Ross and Cher—which, if you believe my Mommy Queerest theories, tells you a lot about me and my maternal figures. Perhaps these divas’ narcissism is a way to celebrate the narcissistic mothers and female caregivers in our lives.

In our early lives, our inability to attach and identify with men may prompt us to try to escape into the feminine realm to avoid the shame and fear of being compared unfavorably with other males. Although this is true of both gay and straight men, straight men bring these issues to their female partners. Not having woman as partners, we turn to our divas.

In press from WW Norton Books due out in 2007*

A book for helping straight clinicians work with Gays and Lesbians
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

As a psychotherapist, if you have gay and lesbian clients,

It’s not enough to be gay-friendly.

The fact is, even the best intentioned therapists have some level of homophobia to overcome.

From birth, heterosexist culture imprints us to think that heterosexuality is primary,and that any other orientation is inferior.

It’s not even enough to be gay yourself.

Gay or straight, we’re taught the homo-negative belief that the "alternate lifestyle" of being gay is a more difficult way to live. But the "alternative" of living heterosexually is actually harder for gay men and lesbians, and can lead only to depression and self-defeating, or even self-destructive behaviors.

Learn the issues that gay men and lesbians face.

They may surprise you!

COMING From WW Norton Books by Joe Kort: "Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician: The Essential Guide" by Joe Kort, MSW, LMSW

This book will offer skills and information to straight therapist working with gay, bisexual and lesbian clients. It is not enough to be gay friendly. It is crucial that therapists be armed with the facts and information to do effective work with their gay, lesbian and bisexual clients.

It is based on my work with Gay and Lesbian clients, my own personal journey as a gay male and psychotherapist of 21 years, along with the information I teach at Wayne State University's School of Social Work on Lesbian and Gay Studies

"10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Improve Their Lives" was originally published in 2003. In 2004 it was translated in both German and in Spanish.

Each of these books can be ordered at German Translation: and Spanish Translation:

Introduction:
Start Your Hero's Journey and Let Your Initiation Begin!

Chapter 1:
Live in Integrity and Be Accountable to Yourself and Your Partner

Chapter 2:
Become the Man You Were Meant to Be

Chapter 3:
Discover How What You Hate Can Help You Love

Chapter 4:
Go from a Gay Boy to a Gay Man with Your Father

Chapter 5:
Recognize the Difference Between Mommy Nearest, Mommy Dearest, and Mommy Queerest

Chapter 6:
Learn How To Disarm--Not Strong-arm--Your Partner In Communication

Chapter 7:
Know Your Sexual Shadow

Chapter 8:
Understand the New Mixed Marriage: When Three's a Crowd

Chapter 9:
How to Call It Quits Without Being a Quitter

Chapter 10:
Bring Your Own Shadow

By showing how to look closely at the deepest sources of your wants and needs, "10 SMART THINGS GAY MEN CAN DO TO FIND REAL LOVE" will help you achieve the kind of lasting close relationships you deserve.

Read an introduction to the book.

Visit Amazon.com to purchase the book.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

10 smart things gay men can do to improve their lives are:

Introduction
What Works? And What Doesn't?

Chapter 1
Take Charge of Their Own Lives

Chapter 2
Affirm Themselves by Coming Out

Chapter 3
Resolve Differences With Parents and Relatives

Chapter 4
"Graduate" From Delayed Adolescence

Chapter 5
Avoid-or Overcome-Sexual Addiction

Chapter 6
Learn from Successful Mentors Who've Been There, Done That

Chapter 7
Take Advantage of "Therapy Workouts"

Chapter 8
Achieve-and Maintain-Rewarding Relationships

Chapter 9
Understand the Stages of Loves

Chapter 10
Commit to Their Partner

Read an introduction to the book.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician:
The Essential Guide

In press from WW Norton Books due out in 2007*

A book for helping straight clinicians work with Gays and Lesbians
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

As a psychotherapist, if you have gay and lesbian clients,

It’s not enough to be gay-friendly.

The fact is, even the best intentioned therapists have some level of homophobia to overcome.

From birth, heterosexist culture imprints us to think that heterosexuality is primary,and that any other orientation is inferior.

It’s not even enough to be gay yourself.

Gay or straight, we’re taught the homo-negative belief that the "alternate lifestyle" of being gay is a more difficult way to live. But the "alternative" of living heterosexually is actually harder for gay men and lesbians, and can lead only to depression and self-defeating, or even self-destructive behaviors.

Learn the issues that gay men and lesbians face.

They may surprise you!

COMING From WW Norton Books by Joe Kort: "Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician: The Essential Guide" by Joe Kort, MSW, LMSW

This book will offer skills and information to straight therapist working with gay, bisexual and lesbian clients. It is not enough to be gay friendly. It is crucial that therapists be armed with the facts and information to do effective work with their gay, lesbian and bisexual clients.

It is based on my work with Gay and Lesbian clients, my own personal journey as a gay male and psychotherapist of 21 years, along with the information I teach at Wayne State University's School of Social Work on Lesbian and Gay Studies
_____________________________________________________________________

Click on the images of the books to purchase Joe's two published books at Joe's library .

If you want to book a signing or workshop anywhere in your area please feel free to contact me at joekort@joekort.com or 248-399-7317.