Recently,
a high school in Troy, Michigan made the news when the
Detroit area Lesbian and Gay Community Center
created a sign depicting people from all walks of life,
with the heading, “Gays and Lesbians are Everyday
People.” Some parents wanted it taken down because it
“promotes homosexuality.” Thankfully, the Troy school
board is allowing it to stay up.
These parents are sending the
message that there’s something wrong with showing gays
and lesbians as everyday people. Even if it were
“promoting homosexuality” (which it’s not), what’s wrong
with that? And how do gay children and teenagers feel
knowing that some people want it—and by extension,
them—removed? This only encourages those gay teenagers
to stay in the closet, hiding not just their sexual and
romantic orientation. There is much more at risk.
As Gay Pride Month approaches, with
festivals, parades, dances, bar and movie nights, those
dust bunnies lingering in our closets cause some
sneezing. Most gays and lesbians don’t realize that just
because you come out with your sexual and romantic
orientation doesn’t mean you are finished coming out.
Also locked away in your closet is internalized
homophobia, which takes many forms—and Gay Pride
celebrations can bring them out quickly.
Clients tell me they’re depressed
and unhappy that coming out hasn’t been as good as
promised by pridefests and National Coming Out Day. They
go to Gay Pride events, but don’t enjoy them. They
wrongly assume it’s because they have come out, which is
not the real issue. In reality, those things locked away
in their closets before they came out are causing the
problems. Gay pride can be bittersweet: It can feel good
and celebratory, but also be troubling and bring up
unresolved feelings about being gay.
When gay males see other shirtless
males proudly exhibiting their torsos, the dust bunnies
start to fly bodies. Many of my gay clients feel
inferior about how their bodies look, and seeing so many
hot guys triggers their low self-esteem. Other gays and
lesbians complain about “stereotypical” behavior such as
men cruising one another, some dressed as drag queens or
kings, dykes on bikes, leather daddies, effeminate gay
men and masculine lesbian and say folks at these events
are “giving gays a bad name.” These internalized
homophobic dust bunnies need a good vacuuming.
Others see lesbian and gay youth at
the pride celebrations and regret for not having come
out sooner. It’s normal to regret how long it took you
and be aware of your normative grief, but to beat
yourself up over it is more about your unresolved dust
bunnies.
Some couples go these events and
feel tempted to cheat or flirt excessively, causing
problems in their relationships. Concern about one’s
partner’s eyes wandering too much can cause tension and
difficult feelings. After attending a pride event, many
think about breaking up with their partners, believing
that from what they saw at the festivities, there are
better chances out there.
And finally, if you are gay or
lesbian and single, not having met someone after all of
the celebration can make you think there’s no one out
there right for you, and that you’re destined to be
single forever.
These illusions arise from
celebrations that try to unpack a lifetime of repression
in a day, a weekend or even one month! Here are some
ways to care of yourself during gay pride events:
- If you persist in feeling badly
about yourself, , leave the festivities for a while—or
for good. Comparing your insides with someone else’s
outsides can never benefit your self-esteem.
- If it bothers you to notice your
partner’s eye roaming, tell him or her. If the conflict
persists, take a time out to talk about it and
decide—together!—if you should both stay or leave.
- Keep your drinking to a minimum.
When alcohol is involved, people do and say things
they’d never dream of ordinarily. Pace yourself and use
booze to enhance the celebration, not become it.
- If you have a strong
reaction—either positive or negative—to others at the
celebrations, remember that it’s most likely about you.
Strong reactive judgments are usually 90% about you and
10% about whomever you‘re judging. Explore what this
reaction says about you.
- Volunteer for one of the gay
organizations’ booths. Keep focused on how Gay Pride is
about moving forward to keep gay spirit positive.
- Go with friends. If feelings
grow difficult, even overwhelming, you’ll have someone
to talk to.
Joe Kort, MSW is a
psychotherapist and author in Royal Oak, Michigan.
Joe's book
10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love
will be in bookstores in January 2006. It is available
for pre-order at
www.amazon.com.
