With the holidays approaching, my clients talk about
how they dread the further trauma of going home to
their families and not being able to—or feeling able
to—be out and open with them about being gay. They
call it depression, but I say trauma because it
better expresses something emotionally charged and
distressing that happens, leaving you nowhere to
release and express the emotions.
Over the past years with increased discussions about
gays not being able to be legally married or be in
the priesthood, I’ve listened to clients shout and
weep, expressing their hurt, pain and fear at
knowing they live in a country that passes laws
against them. Among those they pass on the street,
they wonder who might have voted to ban marriage for
gays and/or are in favor of keeping gays out of the
priesthood. They wonder, as I do—who betrays us?
They really want to express their dismay at work, in
their families, to their neighbors, but many don’t
dare out of fear of rejection, alienation and
abandonment. They do not want to experience the
betrayal all over again.
Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (or PTSD), first
identified in soldiers returning home from wars, is
a psychological disorder that follows having endured
life-threatening events. Later, psychologists noted
that those who experienced other traumas such as
natural disasters, terrorist incidents, serious
accidents, rape and childhood sexual and physical
abuse also displayed PTSD. Symptoms include
difficulty sleeping and concentrating,, becoming
easily startled and agitated, irritability,
outbursts of anger, depression, intense anxiety,
substance abuse, nightmares and flashbacks, and
feelings of helplessness. We lesbians and gays are
vulnerable to PTSD, because we often lack social and
family support, get blamed for others’ homophobic
and heterosexist remarks, and must live with the
threats and dangers, perceived and real, of being
discriminated against. And I would say the recent
election was a natural disaster, in my humble
opinion!
In
my office, I see more lesbian and gay couples and
individuals struggling on a daily basis with the
media’s negative political views about us. Even if
they aren’t planning to join the priesthood
or marry, this issue feels personal—as well it
should!
It’s high time to start identifying the
posttraumatic stress and depression we experience
from having basic rights and privileges wrestled
away from us. It is time to claim back our rights,
regardless of the passage of ignorant laws or what
others do (and don’t) want for us. No longer should
we wait for others to give us permission to heal
ourselves.
This holiday, download your emotions. Don’t remain
silent about being and living gay and lesbian. Even
doing one thing differently with one institution,
one group, one person can relieve your depressive
PTSD symptoms and help you feel more empowered.
Taking action is our one antidote to keep us from
internalizing the hate and oppression coming our
way, and treating ourselves and others badly as a
result.
Avoidance, as in hiding, avoiding, fleeing,
freezing, submitting—or conversely, fighting,
shouting or being irrational—will only keep you
traumatized. Herewith, some tips to keep yourself
from being depressed during the holiday season, when
many feel guilty for not feeling joyous.
How
to be Homo For the Holidays
- If you are not
completely out, tell at least one family member,
colleague, or friend that you are gay.
- Take your partner
home with you for the holidays, don’t go
separately to your own families.
- Talk about GLBT
issues with one group of people, be they
friends, family, colleagues, or fellow students.
You don’t have to get personal in terms of
telling them you’re gay yourself; you can just
express your feelings on the issue. Whether or
not you’ve come out, that’s a step in the right
direction.
- Volunteer for a GLBT
organization or donate to help them fight for
our political and social rights.
- Seek professional
mental health help from a GLBT-affirmative
therapist.
- Write an editorial
to your local newspaper.
- Locate—and work for—GLBT
friendly candidates
- Write to the
American Family Association, Women For America
or another anti-gay organization and tell them
you will not be oppressed by their hateful
views.
-
Buy books on
marriage and other rights for GLBT’s and be
informed!
