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In keeping with this month’s discussion on
sexual high-T and low-T,
I am going to address what can look like high-T but
in fact is sexual addiction.
I’ve been a
specialist in the field of sexual addiction and
compulsivity for almost 20 years. Clients will ask
me if they are a sex addict by the specifics of what
they’re thinking, doing, and/or wanting to do make
them a potential sex addict. For example, does
wanting sex every day, or twice a night make them an
addict?
The surprising truth is that sexual addiction
isn’t about sex at all. Sexual compulsives behave
sexually, but the underlying reason for their
behavior has to do with their “acting out” something
else inside such as sexual trauma or other forms of
childhood abuse or neglect. To determine whether
they’re truly sex addicts and sexually acting out
(SAO), many factors need to be considered.
Patrick Carnes coined the term sexual addiction
in 1983. His work focuses on how “addictive
sexuality feels shameful, is exploitive, compromises
values, draws on fear for excitement, reenacts
childhood abuses, disconnects one from oneself,
creates a world of unreality, is self-destructive
and dangerous, uses conquest and power, serves to
medicate and kill pain, is dishonest, becomes
routine, requires a double life, is grim and joyless
and demands perfection”.
I ask heterosexual men and women alike to take the
sexual addiction
screening tests that can be found in Patrick
Carne’s books,
Out of the Shadows and
Don’t Call It Love. For gay men, I suggest
taking the test in my own book
10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Improve Their
Lives and for women, I recommend taking the test
in Charlotte Kasl’s book
Women, Sex and Addiction; A Search for Love and
Power. While these tests are anecdotal and not
research-based, they open a dialogue about one’s
sexual behavior. If they point to possible
addiction, then we start to examine what we refer to
as one’s “sexually acting out” (SAO) behaviors.
To confirm or rule out sexual addiction, the
following ten signs should be explored:
1. A pattern of out-of-control sexual behavior
Reflecting on one’s past can illuminate if this
patterns exists. Usually someone with a sexual
addiction doesn’t recognize it until his/her 30s or
40s, when patterns have been firmly established.
2. Severe consequences as a result of
out-of-control sexual behavior
If you’re single and don’t have frequent contact
with family and friends, then repercussions of your
out-of-control sexual behavior may not occur as
easily. If you hide your sexual behavior from your
partner and others you’re close to, this too can
result in your remaining unaware of your addiction.
However, anyone with sexual addiction frequently
incurs legal, medical, and relational consequences.
These may include arrests at public restrooms,
sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), overindulging
to the point of physical injury (ie: sores on one’s
genitals), and a partner threatening to leave.
3. Persistent pursuit of self-destructive or
high-risk sexual behavior
Do you frequently: have sex without using a
condom; give oral sex and swallow; cruise public
areas for sex, knowing you can be arrested; secretly
log onto the Internet at work or at home and
changing the screen as soon as someone approaches;
or have affairs outside of your partnered
relationship?
4. On-going desire or efforts to limit this
behavior
You should be able to easily determine how much
sex you want to engage in, and how often. Of course
at times, you’ll let desire to overcome you and be
spontaneous. But if allowing your desires to
overcome you becomes the norm—where your desires are
making the decisions, and not you—you might want to
consider that you may have a problem.
5. Inability to stop, despite the consequences
If you never try to stop, you won’t know if an
inability exists. I tell clients that after a
negative consequence, most people who don’t have a
problem, sexual or otherwise, will either greatly
reduce the “offending” behavior or give it up
completely. Those who continue in the face of
unpleasant results usually have a problem.
6. Sexual obsession and fantasy are your chief
strategies for coping
Obsession doesn’t mean thinking about sex every
minute of the day—but of course, it can. It can take
on the following forms: planning time for acting out
sexually; ensuring that you'll have enough money to
spend on SAO; lying and covering up your escapades;
recovering from the effects of SAO; worrying about
an STD or if you’ve passed it onto a partner; or not
using up your libido so there’s none left for your
partner.
7. Increasing your quantity—or variety—of
sexual experience because the current level no
longer satisfies you
Your participation in SAO is enhanced by
naturally-produced internal drugs like as
PEA, adrenaline, and
endorphins. Tolerance to these drugs begins to
increase, so that over time, you need to engage in
more dangerous behaviors or take higher risks to get
the same sexual high.
8. Severe mood changes centering around sexual
activity
Sex should heighten your self esteem and
intimacy with others. The course of sexual addiction
usually ends in feelings of shame, depression, and
despair over one’s SAO behavior. Beforehand, looking
forward to sexual behavior usually boosts people’s
mood. But afterward, the addict often reports a lack
of sleep and therefore, being on edge and easily
irritated. If you feel shame after sex, that could
indicate there’s something wrong.
9. Inordinate time spent in looking for sexual
experiences, engaging in them, or recovering from
them
Sex addicts prefer the chase over the actual
behavior; and so spend increasing amounts of time in
Internet chat rooms while surfing for porn sites.
They’ll waste hours, day or night in bathhouses, at
bars and rest areas in search of numerous hook-ups.
The sex they experience is often a disappointing
letdown.
10. Reducing or neglecting other social,
occupational, or recreational activities
The true sex addict prefers sexual highs and the
thrill of the chase over simply being with others,
getting work done at his/her job and/or making time
for fun and recreation. None of us can totally
balance life perfectly. But if you’re neglecting
important areas of your life to spend time thinking
about, planning for, looking for, and making time
for SAO, that should cause you some concern.
Have you ruled out being a sex addict but still
feel troubled by your sexual behavior? You may
simply be: a high-T with a
strong sex drive; in
Stage 5 of coming out of the closet; or in
romantic love—the first stage of a relationship;
acting out childhood sexual abuse, or other forms of
abuse or neglect that cause other forms of sexual
discomfort.
Lastly, are you using sexual behavior to manage
some affective disorder such as depression, anxiety,
manic-depression, or ADHD? The solution is to read
much of the self-help literature that’s available
online and in bookstores and seek therapy with
someone with professional experience in dealing with
SAO.
