by Joe Kort, MSW copyright
2004
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Along with the
Turtle and the Hailstorm, there are other defensive
styles that people use to help keep them stay
psychologically safe in their environments and their
relationships.
Gay boys and lesbian girls learn that being out and open
isn’t safe. They learn to be hypervigilant for anyone who
can sense that they’re “different.” If there’s even an
inkling that they’re gay, their safety will be jeopardized
and replaced with ridicule, negative judgments and/or
verbally and physical abuse. However, being a Turtle or a
Hailstorm are only two behavioral modes of self-defense.
Understanding how we use our brains can also help you
protect yourself.
The fact is, our brain has three parts, with wholly
different functions. Unless you understand this, you can’t
use all three effectively.
The “Old” Brain
The so-called reptilian brain, the brain stem at the top of
the spinal column that we share with all other vertebrates,
including alligators and lizards, is interested only in
survival. This is the part of the brain that people in
Twelve-Step programs call “my addict.” Some forms of therapy
call it your “Inner Child”. Freud called the part of the
mind controlled by this portion of the brain the “Id”—the
part of you that, that wants what it wants when it wants it.
It is the part of you that when it senses danger, reacts
“instinctively.” It doesn’t know the difference between
past and present, but constantly scans to see whether your
environment is safe or dangerous.
You need this “primitive” part of the brain to recognize
if there is real danger around us. When it makes the
determination, then it sends a signal to:
The Mammalian Brain
This is the second part of our brain, also called the limbic
system, where our feelings are stored. While you can cut
off from your feelings and bury them deeply, in fact you
still do feel them, since that portion of your brain never
ceases to exist. If the reptilian or “old” part of our
brain senses danger, it sends that message to the mammalian
brain which is going to feel afraid. Conversely, if the old
brain signals that the environment is safe, then the
mammalian brain can relax.
The New Brain
Finally the message gets sent to the neo-cortical brain,
also known as the cerebral cortex, the brain that uses logic
and reasons. This portion of the brain we human beings share
only with monkeys (to a smaller extent) and dolphins (to an
even greater extent) than humans. In
Imago Relationship Therapy, we call it the New Brain,
which gives us the capacity for creativity, intuition, and
logic.
The reptilian (or Old) brain is constantly scanning for
danger. But it doesn’t think rationally nor can it feel
emotions. So once it signals that the surroundings are safe,
then the mammalian brain can relax, freeing the New Brain to
do all kinds of positive things like mate, nurture, create,
and play. However, if the mammalian brain is afraid because
the Old Brain is flashing DANGER!, then the New Brain must
formulate all kinds of plans to restore back to safety and
either fight or flee whatever caused the fear.
When we feel danger, we often respond in one or more of
five common immediate, instinctive ways: either freeze,
hide, submit, flee or fight. Which best describes you?
It’s vital that all three parts of your brain work
together. If danger threatens, your Old and Mammalian brain
help you think and act fast. When safety returns, your New
Brain can relax and enjoy its surroundings and connect with
others.
But what if things are safe and your Old Brain still
senses danger? That’s where problems occur. If your Old
Brain feels threatened, it immediately signals your New
Brain to effect one of the five responses to get back to
safety. Yet if you go with the Old Brain’s directive when no
real danger exists—with no real need to behave in a
threatened, defensive way—you can easily make wrong
decisions that only worsen the situation.
For example, I often see gays and lesbians who stay
closeted, even when it is safe to come out! Their
relationships stay distanced, if not ruptured. Often family
and friends are waiting for them to talk about it, but the
gay or lesbian individual is trying not to make anyone feel
uncomfortable—even though they won’t. The danger their Old
Brain perceives isn’t even there!
Automatically relying on your Old Brain isn’t always
best! But “unreal” dangers are hard to distinguish, I know.
That’s why we must rely on our New Brains to stay in touch
with what’s really going on. As you continue through your
day, which brain is doing the most work?
