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Addiction
When a couple enters therapy and one partner exhibits
sexually
addictive behaviors, the non-addicted partner
(co-addict) often asks me to “Fix my partner!” Both
believe that their only problem is how his/her sexual
acting out (SAO) impairs their relationship. With all couples, however, I
emphasize shared responsibility. When one partner has an
addiction, they are an addicted couple. When the woman
is pregnant, they are pregnant. When one has an affair,
both share the burden of how it evolved and how to
resolve it.
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Drugs and alcohol are part of our American culture. Their
use is rampant among gay men, since the bars are a main
social outlet. The anxiety of walking into a gay bar and
hoping to meet Mr. Right, or even make friends, can be
excruciating. Alcohol and drugs can help to ease that
anxiety. But how much use is too much?
Anger Management
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I’m angry. Every time I open the
paper or watch the news and the subject of marriage for gays
and lesbians is raised, or when I read or hear some
homophobe’s position on it, I get angry. (I refuse to say
gay marriage because we are talking about the same marriage
as heterosexuals; gay marriage sounds like we are talking
about something different). They use misguided facts or
veiled hate and prejudice in their words. I close the
television or the paper and am enraged.
Body Image
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The March 2005 issue of OUT magazine includes
Erik Piepenburg’s article titled "Is Small
Beautiful?" His article focuses on gay men with
penises. The journalist interviewed Robert Woodworth, a
59-year-old gay man and Director of Institutional Services
at New York’s Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender
Community Center. Woodworth began an ongoing series of
discussions about gay men and their penises, which led to a
four-week support group for gay men who feel theirs are
small.
(View
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around the corner. Time to bring out your summer wardrobes and
start waxing or shaving your body. But what if...
Codependency
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There
was a man who had given much thought to what he wanted
from life. He had experienced many moods and trials. He
had experimented with different ways of living, and he
had had his share of both success and failure. At last,
he began to see clearly where he wanted to go.
Coming Out
When I was in middle school, I fell in love with a
singing trio that protected me for the rest of my
school years. Nowadays, I have to wonder how Tony
Orlando and Dawn (TOAD)
became such a strong interest of mine and why I was so
obsessed with them—and I do mean obsessed—throughout my young school years.
Recently,
a high school in Troy, Michigan made the news when the
Detroit area Lesbian and Gay Community Center
created a sign depicting people from all walks of life,
with the heading, “Gays and Lesbians are Everyday
People.” Some parents wanted it taken down because it
“promotes homosexuality.” Thankfully, the Troy school
board is allowing it to stay up.
(or
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the finger at lesbian and gay "bad behavior,"
stating that acting out behavior such as
promiscuity, being overly vocal about being gay, too
much partying and too much chemical use exemplifies
what gay life is all about. They further say this is
why they became ex-gays to avoid living that type of
lifestyle. However, what they are referring to is a
stage of coming out and has little to nothing more
to do with gay life than it does with heterosexual
life.
(or
View in PDF format) Coming out is a lifelong process. It is also a very brave
and big decision. Here are some things to consider before
coming out.
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When you came out as gay or lesbian
(or if you are currently in the process of coming out), how
did you do it; as a Turtle or a Hailstorm?
(or View
in PDF format) A while ago, a gay couple—I’ll call them Tony and Don—came to see me, because they were about to break up...
(or
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process of exploring one's sexual orientation and Gay / Lesbian
identity and sharing it with family, friends...
Depression
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After the holiday season is over, many people suffer from depression. The fast pace to get presents, visit with family, send our cards and . . .
Ex-Gay Issues
(or
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in PDF format) A recent survey asked San
Francisco gay men whether they were born gay. Eleven percent
of the men felt they were born gay, while the remaining 89%
claimed they were “sucked” into it!
The state of Tennessee has begun an investigation in response to
allegations of child abuse at Love in Action, a Memphis facility
that advertises homosexual conversion therapy for adolescents.
Family Issues
Viagra commercials. Victoria’s Secret catalogs. Sex education
class. All these things were looming over Claudia Bowers, 53, as
her oldest son Adam inched toward puberty.
Then one day, while doing yard work with him, it happened.
Perhaps it was being surrounded by nature or talking about
seeds. Whatever the case, the words came out.
Read more . . .
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I like to get a sense of new clients’ family backgrounds. In the
first few weeks, I ask for data—the facts about who is who, what
things happened to them in their childhood, and how they
happened. We have not said one negative thing about their
families, and yet at this point, clients start getting anxious.
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We
gays and lesbians are still recovering from the
trauma of the recent political elections; the
passing of the bans against marriage for gays and
lesbians. With the holidays approaching, my clients
talk about how they dread the further trauma of
going home to their families and not being able
to—or feeling able to—be out and open with them
about being gay. They call it depression, but I say
trauma because it better expresses something
emotionally charged and distressing that happens,
leaving you nowhere to release and express the
emotions.
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Of all the relationships that we will
encounter in our lifetime, our family ties are usually the most
intense, tightly organized...
Fathering
Father's Day can be a
difficult, awkward time for some gay men whose fathers have
rejected them. What’s the best way to handle it?
Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy
What better time to improve your life from the inside out?
Especially when faced with a political climate that has you
fighting for your basic civil rights. That's why Joe Kort, a
psychotherapist in private practice in Royal Oak, a suburb of
Detroit, and author of 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve
Their Lives, offers his suggestions for how gay men and women
can improve their lives now.
The year 1978 wasn’t a good
year for me. I was 15 years old and miserable. My grades were
going downhill, I was avoiding my peers, and I was a sullen
zombie at home. My mother noticed these developments and took me
to a therapist. He was psychoanalytically oriented (as most
were, then), and he shrewdly sized me up and asked whether I
liked boys or girls. I can’t say I was entirely shocked by the
question. I’d already discovered that I had to fake the
hormone-enhanced enthusiasm for girls that came naturally to my
male friends. In fact, I found several of the boys in my class
much more alluring than any girl.
HOMOPHOBIA. Fear, hatred, disgust of feelings of love for members of one’s own gender
. . .
Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender & Questioning Terms
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Over the years other minority groups have changed how they wish to be referred to in an attempt to change how they are treated. A good example of this is
. . .
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When I was
a young boy, degrading, humiliating names like “faggot” and
“queer” were hurled at me repeatedly. Today, younger kids
and teenagers use the word "gay" to degrade and humiliate
others. "That is so gay!" you can hear in school corridors
and in the malls. It’s reminiscent of slang expressions
like, "I ed him down," or "I was gypped.” These verbs
have become so overused that people use them without even
knowing where they originated or how it offends people.
Gay and Lesbian Parenting
Here are the lyrics from the song
Everything Possible, written by Fred Small in 1983
for the children of lesbians and gays. It is very well
done and can be sung to any child. I wish someone had
sung it to me!
Gay and Lesbian Relationships
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Sigmund Freud first identified the psychological process of
transference and brought it into what is now modern day
psychotherapy. He noticed that people had strong feelings and
fantasies about him that had no basis in reality between he and
the client. In fact, transference is actually something that
happens in life—and not just psychotherapy.
Read more . . .
You meet a great guy and sparks fly. Then you don’t hear from
him for a bit, until—boom! Round two! Suddenly you’re in a
pattern of hooking up regularly, and you like him enough to hope
it means you’re dating. But infatuation and sexual attraction
can play tricky mind games. Often, they convince us we’re dating
someone who’s not dating us back. How to know the real deal? We
asked some serial bachelors and a relationship expert to reveal
the signs that you’re being kept at arm’s length. If your
current honey exhibits these behaviors, realize it’s a
fling—which is fine! Have fun, but when you want something
serious, move on to someone with whom you have both chemistry
and long-term potential.
Read more. . .
Wondering if that cute guy is
really your match? Then you need to learn how to read the
secret signals hiding in his profile. Your lesson starts
here.
Every
Gay down in Gayville liked Gay Marriage a lot......But the Grinch, who lived just east of Gayville, did
NOT!!
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Imago Relationship Therapy has a wonderful communication
exercise that I use with most every couple—including my own
relationship. The communication exercise is called the Intentional Dialogue and is actually the foundation to
all Imago techniques. This Intentional Dialogue has three
parts—mirroring, validation and empathy. It offers couples
ways to communicate and be in dialogues, not monologues
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In a society that sees most
relationships as disposable, lesbian and gay relationships
are seen and treated as even more disposable. Thus, when
conflict arises and the relationship becomes more difficult,
it seems easier for lesbian and gay couples to give up on
the relationship rather than face the struggle together.
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I am a Gay
American too, just like New Jersey Gov. James E. McGreevey
who came out as one in July 2004. And for two days I felt
like one after my partner and I were legally married in
Massachusetts on August 19, 2004. We were finally admitted
into the adult fraternity of the officially married, and for
two days, we were legal kin.
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After Massachusetts legalized marriage for gays and lesbians
earlier this year, my partner Mike and I decided to plan our
summer vacation in Provincetown and tie the legal knot after
11 years together. This wasn’t our first marriage, however.
And there were no divorces in between—we were never married
to anyone else. And the other 49 marriages we intend to have
will be the same: one state at a time.
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When I saw this saying embroidered on a pillow, I bought it to display in the office where I do my relationship workshops, because it reminded me of....
I’ve wanted to write an article on this topic ever since I
began working with a gay male couple who told me that they
were monogamous. After several months, however, they
informed me they had had a three-way. When I asked if they
had changed from monogamy, they said, “No.”
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Recently an editorial
by Bishop Keith Butler, a pastor of Word of Faith International
Christian Center Church from
www.wordoffaith-icc.org
titled an editorial in...
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Clinical psychologist John Gottman, a
research scientist at the University of Washington who has
studied heterosexual couples for . . .
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I was just married. Some people would not
validate that fact because as a man I married another man. If
you asked most people if their . . .
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Lesbians and Gays are a sexually abused
culture. We are under sexual assault regularly from society. We
are only seen for our sex acts . . .
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As human beings, we all long for contact and connection with one another. We yearn to be in lasting adult love relationships
. . .
This weekend
couples’ workshop is based on Imago Relationship Therapy, as
developed by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and explained his
. . .
This 6 week
workshop is appropriate for singles not currently in a
relationship, who are tired of making the same mistakes over and
. . .
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ROYAL OAK - Passion is rarely subject to
reason. Deciding whether to let go of a seemingly troubled
relationship is an emotion-laden . . .
Heterosexism
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The following is a tongue-in-cheek questionnaire designed to
illustrate the heterosexism implied in these same questions
asked of lesbians and gays. Imagine as you read them if this
were real and straight people were asked these questions.
Gays and lesbians experience these questions in the same way
a heterosexual would.
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For the past
seven years, I’ve taught a course at Wayne State University
for Master’s level social workers, on how to help their gay
clients learn . . .
Heterosexual privilege. It is a true
privilege to be heterosexual. As I read about the arguments
against the proposed Human Rights Ordinance . . .
Heterosexually Married Gay Men
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When a partner comes out of the closet, it can be just as traumatic for the one who gets the news
. . .
Homophobia
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1. Not disclosing your own sexual orientation when asked!
Read more . . .
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It's never easy to come to grips with your shortcomings,
mistakes or those characteristics that cause you shame. That may
be especially true for those who are struggling with
homosexuality.
A new document calls on churches to welcome gays and
lesbians into the Catholic community, but gay advocates
say the Church still shows no support for homosexuals
This is an open letter to my 6th grade
gym teacher which I mailed on September 3, 2005. I
believe as gays and lesbians we should go back and
confront those who harmed us for being different in our
childhood when we can and when it is safe to do. This
letter is one way to do it. Not to do this is to either
carry the shame and trauma around from what others gave
us or to take it out on others. I know that it is from
experiences like my own—one of which is described in
this open letter—that can contribute to those who stay
in the closet and/or enter reparative therapy.
It’s
said that a prophet is without honor in his own country.
We gays and lesbians don’t have our own nation, let
alone recognized “prophets” in our communities. As a
group—leaders, organizations and businesses— we dishonor
each other. I hear gays and lesbians say things like:
“Isn’t it great that straight business is reaching out
to the GLBT [gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender]
community,” and literally in the same breath, “Can you
believe that GLBT businesses are trying to make money
off us?” and “Who does that business think it is, trying
to be in the forefront of the gay community?”
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As the years go by, a growing number of cartoon characters
have been forcilby "outed." I am amazed that anyone would be
concerned about the sexual and romantic orientation of any
imaginary two-dimensional figure.
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A number of the anti-gay replies used the Bible to try to
make a point. These arguments are usually based on three
main passages. I feel we have an obligation to approach the
Scriptures with literary and historical understanding.
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Homophobia, an unrealistic fear of gays/lesbians, affects
all of us in this culture – straight and gay alike. It’s
characterized by a generalized negative attitude towards
homosexuals, if not outright feelings of hatred. Gays and
lesbians experience internalized homophobia as a result of
growing up in a culture that allows/encourages
discrimination against homosexuals. Internalized homophobia
can cause or contribute to lowered self-esteem, intense
shame, chemical dependency, and a generalized alienation
from one’s true self.
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When people think about
children, rarely is their focus on how homophobia can hurt
them. Usually it is raised when talking about a gay parent
and how they may “impact” their offspring, or how the
behavior of gay and lesbian adults will influence them. But
even more rarely do people concentrate on how homophobia
impacts children, gay and straight alike—which is far worse
than anything a child might be exposed to in a gay pride
parade or in observing gay relationships.
My mind is filled with thoughts of the
thuggery and terrible murder of Matthew Shepard . . .
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Jerry Falwell and others can rest now
that the Itsy Bitsy Entertainment Co. has reassured them that
the Teletubby doll they . . .
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Anti-Semitism. Being Jewish, I knew of the concept growing up but never actually suffered from direct acts of it. I knew
. . .
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If my mother were to call into Dr. Laura
Schlessinger's radio show, she would say: "Hello, Dr.
Laura, I am my gay kid's mom . . ."
Homosexuality and Pedophilia
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I've heard therapists say that a male adult who sexually
abuses a boy isn't necessarily ‘homosexual.' This seems
confusing: If he isn't homosexual, then why would he
sexually molest boys, instead of girls?
Mentoring
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Webster’s New World Dictionary defines
culture as the “ideas, skills, arts of a people communicated or
passed along to succeeding . . .
Parents of Gay Children
Some parents worry that hanging "Gay People are Everyday
People" posters in Troy High School promotes homosexual
lifestyles and sex. They want new posters posted that read,
"Treat Everyone with Respect." What they're misunderstanding
is that the original posters are already saying just that.
Relationships
The concept of Response-Ability comes from Rick Carson’s “Taming Your Gremlin”. Our interactions with others are dependent on our taking responsibility for our reactions and our responses to what is seen and heard. It is inappropriate to just react and say and do hurtful things to someone out of reactivity. This can only make the problem worse.
Have you ever heard
of a dog that gives you the middle finger, snubs
you when you call, believes that you exist to
please her and that she doesn’t have to please
you (unless she feels like it)—and channels the
worst parts of your mother to boot? A dog that
intentionally tries to trip you when you walk
downstairs and in the middle of all of your hard
work, intentionally shuts off your computer by
sitting on the outlet? A dog that laughed at you
when you yelled and screamed for obedience? Well
that was my dog, Maud, who owned my partner and
me for 12 years.
Imago is the Latin word for
image. Dr.
Hendrix developed the premise that your personal imago
is a composite of those people who influenced you most
strongly at an early age. You find yourself attracted to
people with much the same traits as your original
caretakers. Unconsciously, then, you’ll bring unresolved
childhood conflicts into your romantic
relationship—giving your partner the burden of meeting
those needs.
This document is designed to
help you get the most benefit from our work together. It
deals with how to prepare for and maximize the value of our
sessions and summarizes some brief concepts about
relationships and productive couple’s therapy. Your job is
to create your own individual objectives for being in
therapy. Like a good coach, my job is to help you reach
them. I have many, many tools to help you become a more
effective partner—they work best when you are clear about
how you aspire to be.
When we think of a “mixed marriage,” we typically imagine
two individuals of different races or religions. But the
mixed-orientation marriage—with one straight spouse and one
who’s gay or lesbian—is just as real, though far more likely
to operate underground.
Ten gay and heterosexual
singles will come together in Royal Oak hoping to answer the
same question—how do they make love last?
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Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT) is a form of
relationship therapy innovated by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. Dr. Hendrix was author of the
two Best Sellers "Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples," and "Keeping the Love
You Find: A Guide for Singles." It integrates and extends the insights of the major western
psychological systems, behavioral science and spiritual disciplines into a uniquely
comprehensive and systemic theory of primary love relationships.
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When you look across a crowded room and spot that hot guy,
you may think you’ve found the man of your dreams. Usually,
it is lust that you are feeling—a purely sexual sensation,
until you start to talk to him and get to know him. And
suddenly you fall into romantic love.
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Turtles are the partners who use minimizing as a defense
to protect themselves from emotions that feel unsafe or
extremely uncomfortable. Their goal is not to hurt others
with their Turtling, but rather to stay connected to
themselves and to the Hailstorm—and this imploding and going
inward is the best way they know. Uncomfortable with long
conversations, they prefer to keep things short and sweet.
That’s how they stay attached to themselves and to their
partners. This doesn’t necessarily mean they are meek, shy
or introverted. That’s more of a social style that either
the Turtle or the Hailstorm might adopt.
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Relationships take on many forms for couples, families, friends,
co-workers, parents, and children. This month I want to focus on
two common types of people in these relationships; the
turtle and the hailstorm.
Reparative Therapy
How are Reparative Therapists (those working with
homosexuals who wish to change their sexual and romantic
orientation) still able to provide treatment to those
who want sexual re-orientation when the American
Psychological Association, American Psychiatric
Association, National Association of Social Workers and
the American Counseling Associations all are against
this form of psychotherapy? Do they received third party
reimbursement from insurance companies?
It’s been three decades
since homosexuality was declassified as a mental disorder,
removed as such from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual
of Mental Disorders in 1973 by the American Psychiatric
Association, a step that was two years later lauded and
echoed by the American Psychological Association and two
years after that by the National Association of Social
Workers. Since then, those organizations, as well as the
American Medical Association and a host of other
professional bodies, have publicly and consistently rejected
the notion that sexual orientation is a characteristic
that’s determined by personal choice and have worked to
destigmatize homosexuality.
Sexism
I am not talking
about the government’s “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy on
gays in the military. I’m talking about my walking down
the Barbie aisle at my local toy store.
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As Robert Bly pointed out in his best-selling book
Iron John few heterosexual men have appropriate initiations into becoming a man. Most initiations into manhood as
. . .
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One of my most vivid childhood memories
is of riding in the backseat of our family car, on the way to
the circus—and crying . . .
After years of being invisible or the
subject of jokes, we are now seen as everyday people. Just as
other minorities have had to fight . . .
Sexual Abuse
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©2002 by by Kali Munro,
M.Ed., Psychotherapist. Used with permission.
The
reality that boys are sexually abused by women is not
widely accepted. Some people view it as an impossible
act—that a male can’t be sexually assaulted by a
female—and others view it as sexually titillating. The
existence of female perpetrators and male victims
confronts many of our most firmly held beliefs about
women, men, sexuality, power, and sexual assault. It
challenges our very notions about what sex is.
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"You belong to me" reflects the
perpetrator’s belief, that the victim now belongs to
him/her, to do with as he/she desires; that his or her
sexual needs, wants and sexuality overrules those of the
victim’s. The victim will spend a lifetime unconsciously
reenacting their original sexual abuse or, hopefully,
working on healing it and removing the ill effects of the
perpetrator’s abuse. For sexual abuse survivors, the
nightmare is that they are forced to keep a sexual secret.
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In treating
and helping sexually addicted gay men, we must understand how
homophobic acts constitute covert cultural sexual abuse. Lacking
this understanding, we can't heal
. . .
Sexual Addiction
Joe is featured in
this article that originally appeared in the Metro Times.
The men begin parking
along the quiet residential street in Redford around 9 on
Saturday nights — and the last leave around 6 Sunday
mornings. In the intervening hours, some 40 to 85 men pay
$12 to engage in orgy-style sex in the basement and
ground-floor rooms of the ranch-style home. There are few
rules. "Don’t ask, don’t tell" is the typical approach to
the question of HIV status. And condoms are rarely used.
That’s the point at a "bareback" party.
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Sexual addiction and compulsion are a problem-and comprise a touchy subject that isn't talked about. All men-gay, bi and straight alike-can
. . .
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The term
sexual anorexia isn’t a common term.
Anorexic usually describes people with an eating
disorder who can literally starve themselves to
death. Similarly, many people think that sexual
anorexia means sexual starvation, or depriving
oneself of sexual pleasure. They link it to having a
low sex drive and being
(low-T). But neither assumption is correct.
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I’ve been a specialist in the field of sexual addiction and
compulsivity for almost 20 years. Clients will ask me if
they are a sex addict by the specifics of what they’re
thinking, doing, and/or wanting to do make them a potential
sex addict. For example, does wanting sex every day, or
twice a night make them an addict?
Sexuality
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According to the Oxford English Dictionary, a cuckold is “a derisive name for the husband of an unfaithful wife.” The concept of being a cuckold is that a man’s wife or girlfriend is interested in being with another man, usually because she complains of not being sexually satisfied by her husband or boyfriend. Often the other man is more endowed and the male partner is therefore humiliated and shamed for not being able to satisfy his woman as this man can. Usually these sexual fantasies involve the women being sexually dominant and forcing their male partners to watch and/or participate in the sexual acts.
Gay male couples feel a lot of pressure to remain sexually fresh, new, and exciting. That’s the popular stereotype. “All gay men love sex and have it a lot” trumpets the popular press. “If I were gay,” straight men joke, “I would be having sex all the time with my partner! Guys always want it!”
While I don't believe Larry Craig is innocent of his foot tapping incident in a public restroom nor is he innocent of his intent to have sex with another man. And I also don't believe he is gay.
Eminem went where no son has publicly gone before—or is allowed to go—in attacking his mother. In this society, it is taboo to speak ill of our mothers, so we either keep silent or get judged negatively for doing it. It is as though we are not allowed to talk about the bad only the good. By going against his mother, a man gets punished and called a misogynist who hates women.
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I have seen hundreds of heterosexual men come to my office
with same-sex behaviors worried that they might be gay. However
I have always been able to help these men distinguish between
their organic, innate sexual and romantic orientation as well as
their sexual preferences. I have always known that straight men
can have sex with other men and not be gay.
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Paul, a slim, attractive, 29-year-old white man
who owns a landscaping company, was referred to
me by his therapist (with whom he was making no
progress) shortly after he attempted suicide. He
told me that eight months previously, Julie, his
fiancée, had discovered that he'd been having
unprotected anal sex with men. When she
confronted him, he denied it, but soon broke
down and confessed. Devastated and angry, she
broke off their engagement, accusing him of
being duplicitous (she believed they were
monogamous) and secretive. Worst of all, she
felt frightened that he'd put her at risk for
HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.
Straight Guise is about men who have sex with men (MSM) who
question their sexual orientation. This is not intended for
reparative therapy, religion or pornography. This site is about
the many reasons men engage in sexual contact with other men
that are not about homosexuality. It will educate readers on the
differences between sexual identity, sexual behavior and sexual
fantasy.
Straight women and gay men seem to make the
perfect couple and it's no shallow TV trend. by D'D'
Alson
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Jerry and Linda came to me to help them
with their marital problems. He felt that she had tricked
him into marrying her by “pretending” to have a high sex
drive, and believed that Linda was now withholding sex in an
effort to punish him for problems in their marriage.
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In the talks I give around the country, audiences often ask me about what being gay or straight really is. Most people believe that if you
engage in—or even think about—certain homosexual sex acts, then that reveals
. . .
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In 1978, when I was 15 years old, there were no gay role models. I remember going to a local bookstore and seeing pornographic magazines
. . .
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“You know how you say you can
tell a lot about a person by knowing their friends,” asked
popular psychotherapist and author Joe Kort. “Well, if you
know a lot about your sexual fantasies and desires, you know
a lot about you as a person.” Intriguing, you say. Tell me
more.
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