'I can't stop cheating on my boyfriend'
Dr. Kort writes for Attitude Magazine in the UK.
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Dear Attitude,
I'm in a long-term relationship with a man
I'm absolutely crazy about but I have a
problem in that I keep cheating on him. I
never mean to do it and always feel dreadful
afterwards. I always vow I'll never play
away again, so I've never told my partner.
I'm terrified of hurting him and want to
stop but I can't control myself. Sometimes
I'll fall into bed with someone after a night
out but sometimes it just happens when
I'm bored and surfing online. It's a pattern
that's happened in previous relationships
I've been in and led to me breaking up with
my last boyfriend. I don't want to ruin this
relationship as well.
SIMON, EXETER
Dear Simon,
There can be so many different reasons
for this type ofbehaviour and I will go
through each one I know of to help you
rule out what you think it is for you.
The first thing I notice is that this
bothers you, or you would not be
writing in about it. People enter
therapy for cheating either because
they were caught by a partner, it
ended a relationship and/or they catch
themselves and know that it doesn't
fit with their values and the types of
relationship they really want. The
fact that you feel dreadful about it is a
positive indicator that you are acting
out something that is not aligned with
how you want to be - or the way in
which you see yourself.
Do you come from a family in 'Which
one or both of your parents cheated?
There is a high correlation between
those who cheat in their relationships
and those raised in families where
affairs occurred. So many people say
they didn't even know their parent was
cheating while growing up and find
out later in life.
I always say that children are little
spies and see and hear everything.
While they may not have overtly
known of the cheating, they may
have overheard conversations about
it or adults speculating about the
other parent's cheating. Frequently
people will say they remember their
parents arguing over infidelity, or
their mothers or fathers accusing the
other of looking too much, flirting too
much or downright cheating. This
over-stimulates children, who do not
know what to make of it, and it gets
stored somewhere in the unconscious.
As adults, either they cheat or they find
a partner who cheats and re-enact the
same situation their parent was in.
What to do:
Ask your parents and siblings if anything like this went on in your
house. You don't have to accuse anyone of anything - you can just ask
if this was ever something anyone was concerned about while you
were growing up. You also don't need to share with any of your family
- unless you wish to - about your own infidelity issues. You just want
to reflect on whether or not you are carrying a family legacy of cheating
that you may not be conscious of.
Eroticised anger: Are there problems in your current relationship?
Sometimes there are negative feelings towards a partner that one
cannot express well or at all, and thus cheating is a way of doing that.
The anger at the partner becomes eroticised and a person will cheat and
have sex outside the relationship. This is not justification to go outside
one's relationship and cheat, but if there are problems which are not
being addressed or worked on, then a partner might find themselves
acting out their negative feelings by getting validation and acceptance
from people outside the relationship.
We used to believe in the field of psychology that most cheating was
a result of a bad relationship. However, we no longer believe this and
now realise that people cheat for all kinds of reasons that have nothing
to do with the partnership. Are there things you want sexually in your
relationship that you are not talking about with your partner? Are you
dissatisfied with the romantic realm of your partnership and finding
yourself looking elsewhere?
What to do:
Talk to your partner about anything you are
frustrated with or angry about. Find ways to
express yourself to ensure you are not acting
out anything angry towards him. Explore if
there are issues here that are similar to the last
time you were caught dissolving a relationship.
Perhaps you need to learn from this and
behave differently.
Were you sexually abused?
Sometimes childhood sexual abuse can rear its
head by causing compulsive sexual acting out
as an adult if it has not been healed or resolved.
Hypersexual behaviour is the main symptom of unresolved childhood
sexual abuse.
You talk about your sexual behaviour as if it is out of your control
and that makes me wonder about sexual abuse in your past. Sexual
abuse can be overt and covert. Overt abuse is obvious where you were
penetrated, digitally manipulated or masturbated, and you know
that the interaction was directly sexual. Covert sexual abuse is more
indirect, such as being called names regarding the way you expressed
your masculinity and thus being gender-bashed and shamed; being
hugged and kissed in inappropriate ways by an adult either in or
outside of your family; and nudity by adults who wanted either to be
seen or to watch you, which felt uncomfortable and/or sexual to you.
What to do:
This is a hard topic to raise with your parents without them becoming
immediately defensive, even if sexual abuse did not occur. Often there
are family stories about an uncle or family friend whose behaviour was
inappropriate. You may be able to ask questions about anything like
that around siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles to see if anything like
this existed in your family. Read a book on childhood sexual abuse to
see if anything resonates for you.
Are you sexually addicted or compulsive?
The main elements that drive sexual addiction are loss of control,
continuing to engage in the sexual behaviour despite negative
consequences and failed attempts to stop or control it. Boredom, as you
state, is a major reason for surfing online. Research shows that it is the
number one reason why people become sexually compulsive and can
result in sexual addiction if not kept in check.
I would challenge you when you write that you can't control yourself
and that you 'just fall into bed with someone' or that 'it just happens'
when you are surfing the net. Both of these statements are passive and
lack acceptance of accountability. I know it feels this way but now you
have made the step to reach out for help and accept full responsibility.
What to do:
I recommend going to Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) meetings,
even if it turns out you are not a sex addict. The only requirement for
attendance is the desire to stop unwanted sexual behaviour. SAA offers
cognitive and behavioural tools that can help anyone with out-of-
control sexual behavior, (Also Sex And Love Addicts Anonymous.)
Are you suffering/rom unresolved internalised homophobia?
Most gay men don't consider that they have unresolved internalised
homophobia. After coming out, many gay men think that everything
is OK and never look back to examine if anything from their
childhood growing up gay in an anti-gay world is being brought into
the present and the future.
Let's face it, we are taught to run away from
each other as children and not allowed to
pursue a close intimate relationship (let alone
a friendship), with each other well into our
teens - and for many of us much later. This
template contributes to so many gay men being
unable to form intimate relationships with
other men, and cheating is one of the ways they
avoid intimacy.
Do you really want to be monogamous?
This is a question I ask all my clients in this
situation. So often people are trying to push
themselves into categories they think they
should be in but don't really want. I notice this with gay men who are
upset that they are not in relationships and have dated for years, when
the truth is that they don't really want to be in a relationship but think
they should be because it's what they are taught by society.
In your case, make sure that monogamy is right for you and that you
really want it. Maybe you want to be in an open relationship but cannot
accept this. Studies are now showing us that monogamy is not our
natural state. Monogamy is a choice and you have to decide if that is the
right choice for you.
Regardless of the reasons that drive your sexual acting out, it is
you who is making choices to engage in cheating behaviour that is
causing you - and potentially your partner - grief and could end your
relationship. I want you to take full responsibility and figure this out for
yourself. You can do so by finding a therapist and taking a look at your
behaviour more closely.
Email us with your relationship or sexual problem to advice@attitude.co.uk
